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Jokes

These are starting to get both disturbing AND disgusting...

Hmm... What do you call a banana covered in brown spots who is listening to music?

A polka-dot banana
 
I'm not good at jokes, alright? Here's one I found:

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."
 
UltimaLink007 said:
I'm not good at jokes, alright? Here's one I found:

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."
Click to expand...
Wow ... THATS HILARIOUS! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
 
Here's a few more...

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool." Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "120." So the robot started talking about the super bowl, dirt bikes, and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool." A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "80." The robot then said, "So, how are things in Alabama these days?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."


This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?" The man replies, " David Jones." This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, "David Jones." Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look... Who the heck are you mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!"
 
Top 8 Most Effective Medical Cop-Outs:
1."It's going around."
2."It's probably inherited."
3."It's all in your head."
4."It's too early to tell."
5."It's too late to do anything."
6."We'll run some tests."
7."We'll run some more tests."
8."The tests are inconlusive."

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Surgeon General's Warning: Cigarrette Smoke Contains Carbon Monoxide So You Could Probably Save A Lot Of Money By Sucking On Your Car's Exhaust Pipe.
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I got a job at McDonalds and when I showed up late for the 100th time, they told me I was McFired.
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Why did the man with the bloodshot eyes get a new camera?

Because it had red-eye reduction!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
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Why did Mr.Brown open up a bakery?

Because he needed some dough!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
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What did the tree say when it learned math?

"Gee, I'm a tree"! (say it fast)

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
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Yo mama like a doorknob, everyone gets a turn.
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A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a "good drink". The bartender suggests a grasshopper and the guy drinks it and leaves.

On his way home, he sees a grasshopper and asks "Did you know there is a drink named after you?"

The grasshopper says "There's a drink named 'Irving'?"

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! (I know it's corny but come up with a better one!)
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Removed Shakesperean Quotes:

"On such a night did Orestes take flight, and tripping on a pail, did break his ***."
"Her tears, Polonius, are as false as thy teeth."
"Women, Mercutio, are the itch we gladly scratch."
"Trust not the woman who kisses her husband and wipes her lips."
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*I keep putting new jokes on this, somebody post here!!!*
 
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
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There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde saw a sign that said "Disney Land Left," so the blonde turned back around and went home.
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A couple of blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are."

The cashier leaned over the counter and said:

"Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg"
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I just found these, they're alright...
 
Yes they can, I am just not funny. Whenever I try to come up with an original joke, everyone starts yelling about how it's stupid, and nowhere near being remotely funny.

BTW: You wanted a post, you got a post, get over it.
 
My jokes are pretty stupid too and that's why they're funny. I mean c'mon, look at some of the jokes I've posted.
 
Just in time for the Oscars: what's a movie star's favorite kind of car?

An os car!!!


AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
 
Here's one that I thought of that is REALLY bad...

What part of the oscar mayer musical does michael jackson play?

THE WIENER, and he sings the song and stuff...that's more creepy than funny...
 
UltimaLink007 said:
Here's one that I thought of that is REALLY bad...

What part of the oscar mayer musical does michael jackson play?

THE WIENER, and he sings the song and stuff...that's more creepy than funny...
Click to expand...

Ahhh........yes, more creepy than funny.

---

Joke:

A communist walks into a bar and says "free drinks for everyone!!"
 
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